Thursday, July 16, 2009

OK, really this time

On the way to work the other morning, I was listening to NPR as usual.  They featured an interesting story about tobacco addiction.  And it was sounding very familiar.

No, not the part about tobacco and cigarettes.  I've never smoked, thanks to great advice from Mom and Dad.  But I do know, I think, what addiction feels like.

Addiction is the itch of poison oak.  It's checking Facebook just one more time before bed.  And, for me, it's that little piece of chocolate.  And the next one.

It's the moment of weakness, that feels so good, but that adds up to a big problem.  Scarring, sleep deprivation, or obesity.

On that radio show, I heard something new to me.  Relapse starts with a lapse.  One moment of lost commitment that, if left to germinate, becomes another, and another.

Lately, I've been lapsing.  I've been in relapse.  I'm trying very hard to resist the temptations.  To get back on the wagon.  To put down the chocolate, or just not pick it up at all.  To get back to the state of mind and health that felt so, so much better than the momentary pleasures of a snack.

It's hard.  It means choosing long term pleasures over what can, in the moment, seem like something so small and so good.  Life, and health, over "just one more."

It's also been hard to admit the relapse.  To write about it here.  I'm hoping that, by doing so, I'll find the recommitment I need.  Maybe, some day, someone else in the same boat will read this, jump overboard, and swim away from their own relapse regatta.

Wish me luck.

1 comment:

  1. We all have our own little addictions that interfere with our ability to function well. I believe that we, as animals, *need* some drive, some desire to get up and do things each day, we are born with that... but when one of those drives overpowers others, that imbalance causes trouble. Determining how much is too much is sooo hard for the "self" to detect. I think it takes others close to oneself to help guide those limits. Takes careful communication and trust with family & friends. You have a good family and very caring friends. You also have the attitude to stay on top of it. You're doing well, and it is having a great outcome. You'll need your family to remind you of your successes, since it is hard for you to see them. I see them.

    Usually a positive "carrot" is more helpful than a negative "stick", but coincidentally, a year ago I was compelled by past events around me, to actually try to "sing" a song about this very subject... and although it is the dark side, I'll share it with you so you can smirk at my attempt to capture this. Not my usual musical style, but apropos.